||[Jan. 11th, 2005|02:12 am]
|||||Miss you, My Dearest Muffy...||]|
|||||Carlos Verala- Una Palabra||]|
This is all a part of life, you gain friendships and you lose them. Something I've been aware for a long time now.
I had a best friend since 4th grade, her name was Tomasa and she was always the most interesting person. Eventhough I had to endure countless hours of hearing her talk about the guys she slept with, she was still my best friend and I cared for her. We went to the same elementary school, and then to the same middle school then the same high school. We caught the cheese bus everyday (the yellow school bus) and that would be the time I heard her speak of her nights of doing god knows what. When we hit high school, we started to drift apart. I became the loner, staying to myself, watching everyone from the shadows, questioning them. She became friends with a good amount of people, she was the social one. Then after our tenth grade she left, and we drifted apart, until there was nothing left. We lived near each other, but I was the loner, after all. She became pregnant and unlike most people she kept her daughter. I see her every once in awhile and thats the times I speak to her, see what's going on with her.
In high school, I was the loner, the one behind the scenes the one always watching everyone, questioning them. I was always the quiet one, the unsociable one. The one that would grin and bear it, when deep down I felt nothing but intense disdain.
There I met just about the only person I still really keep in contact with. Rosalyn, she is my best friend, we know about each other, I know about her life, she knows about mine. We have no secrets. We still hang out, though we try not to do it in our house, because the one thing we have in common, we have someone who we hate. I hate my stepfather with a passion, no one can fathom. She hates the people living in her home, because well it's something I wont disclose here.
In college, once again I was a loner, never really getting close to people, but I met a friend. Terri, she's one of the few people in my life that I'm happy I met. She understands me, I know why, and she knows why, and I'll leave it at that. She's one of the people that attend my university that I actually want to see. I miss her, I havent spoken to her in such a long time. So Terri if you read this, call me, e-mail me. I lost your number, unfortunately, and I've wanted to talk to you for the longest time now.
In my freshman year two events happened that changed my life. The first happened during the fall of my freshman year. During this time I had an online boyfriend named Scott. And let me tell you that relationship was so rocky. I cared about him deeply, to the point of where I thought I was in love with him, but I wasn't. It was just a mere infatuation. Anyway, things were alright, aside from the fact that he was a chronic...well...no one needs know that except him and I, I suppose. Anyway, things were alright, We spoke up until we got to our spring semesters. Then everything went downhill after what we constantly did (I got so damn tired of it) and then he "left" school. I didn't hear from him, not once in a few months. And it pissed me off so much. I heard from him about 4 or so months later, and the months prior, to what I like to call our "final" conversation, I didn't miss him one bit, this in some way is related to the next big event that happened during my freshman year of college.
Then during the spring semester of my freshman year I found myself going to Deckleswood more, mostly because of the stress of work, and to find a needs to escape. As most know this was during the whole Issa RP. One day the Issa RP was going on, and I was sitting in the Great Hall as Mari Magistra watching everything, when I just did something completely out of impulse, because I thought it would be fun. I had her "killed" off. And when that happened, I really didnt feel anything, it was just something fun I could do. It probably took a lot of people by surprise, but no one was more surprised than Godric. I felt so bad, and that's another thing that stays between he and I. The next day, after Mari "died" it hit me, I will never be Mari Magistra again. And the waterworks started. I realized that the person I was for a year and a few months was gone, and I would never be her again.
After that occured, I knew I needed to either create another character or find other means of entertainment. After speaking to Belinda, she allowed me to have another character and that's when Tamuril Goldenbard was born. A new character that I envisioned this petite brown haired witch from Spain. I loved her, I loved being her, it was great. I got a chance to be someone else again. I got to start new. It was great, I still remember when Tam went into the Great Hall for the first time, and Godric started hitting on her, by placing his head on her shoulder and all that. It had me grinning, and we were talking on AIM, having fun. Though I probably shouldnt have done as I did, and get together with him so soon after coming back. But it happened, and I was happy with that. I had been with Godric as a character for over a year and that was something I knew. But things happened, things that changed her life as Tamuril and mine as Mariangelis.
When I found that things were boring at home I took to staying late at my university. I spent my time in the computer lab, and spent time mostly in Deckleswood.
While I was in there, Tamuril met Damien Dolohov for the first time, and that one moment started everything. It was great, I remember what they both spoke about, and how happy and giddy it made her (which would technically be me) I think mostly because eventhough it wasnt a conversation held in the "real" world, only in RP form, it allowed me to develop her more. That and the fact that Damien, as a character (and as I would find out, as the person behind him) were so well-spoken, spoke so intelligently, and just had such an aura to them. It was great.
I knew that from that point, the main reason I even went to Deckleswood anymore, was to speak to him. It was so wonderful that Tamuril had a best friend, especially when it wasnt planned and it was so unexpected. They got close, to the point that (as everyone should know by now) they got together as characters.
When they got together, was when "Tamuril" and "Damien" began to speak outside of DW on MSN. It was still in IC but it was better than nothing. Prior to that Myself and "Damien," who I would later come to know by his real name, Adrien (He'll always be Adrien to me)/ Andres (He gave me a choice of what to call him and I chose Adrien), spoke once before during Tam and Damien's friendship level. That was the first time we ever spoke out of character, and that would be the last until those characters got together. As I said when they got together and we spoke on MSN it was IC, but eventually it began to develop out of that. We would find ourselves going in and out from IC to OCC, mostly the times we acted like insane, demented people, which just about every conversation. Those times were truly great, I cant explain it, but I would grin and laugh. It was like no one else could understand us, except the two of us, we were "Fucking Insane Friends" (and not that type of 'fucking' either).
Things developed to a far greater degree than I could ever fathom. As Tam and Damien became more and more "in-love," Adrien and I, became closer as friends. I trusted him completely. Telling him some of my most darkest secrets, secrets that are still hidden to all except a few. It went to a degree that he too let me in. It was a good time for me. I was always so happy, when I got to speak to him. Adrien/Andres(as most people know him) was special to me, and regardless of what's happened, he still is. He was the one person who could cheer me up with a comment, or just being himself. He was just that one amazing friend, and in time he would come to be known as my 'other third.' (The other part of the 'other third' to be completed by Krissy).
It was unplanned by both our sides, much like everything between Tam and Damien was, but we became close, closer than either of us ever intended. Things happened, things which will be kept in secrecy since it is of our business. But it all ended up culminating when 'Damien' as a character left.
After Andres stopped being Damien, was when I didn't see him as much, and that hurt. It hurt so much, I missed him. He was my 'other third' after all, and I would come to consider him, and he still is, one of my closest friends, a best friend. I'd do anything for him, anything. Things came to light, things that turned my world upside down. Things that helped me question Religion, more than I already had. It wasn't fair, I cried when I found out. I cried so much, it hurt so much. It hurt, especially when all I wanted to do was hug him tightly, stroke his hair and just tell him that he wasn't alone, that I would always be there for him, regardless of everything, even distance. He came back, I was happy. I was so happy for him. He deserves so much, he deserves so much out of life, he deserves to be truly happy.
Adrien and I spoke through e-mails mostly, we caught each other two or three times after he came back. Our final conversation was New Years, early New Years for him and me, though on different timezones. I wish I knew that would be the last time I would get to speak to him "one on one"...
Now we fast forward to today. I woke up, I was feeling lousy because of everything that's happened with Krissy. Though I've felt lousy...I didn't cry. Anyway, I get to work and everything was okay. For those who don't know I work at a chiropractors office, so two patients came in and we were talking and all. When they left my boss had me do some billing to various HMOs (And let me tell you that HMO's are petty, thieving bastards. They find any excuse not to pay, and I can tell you first hand that doctors don't always make as much as you think.) I tried to print some of the data out but the printer wasn't working. We change cartridges because the printer was out of ink. Still didn't work, so he decided that it was time for a new printer so we go to Staples to get one.
We buy it and go back to the office, and I jokingly ask him, "Ready to say good-bye to the printer?"(He's had that printer for 20 years) and as soon as I spoke those words the lyrics to one song popped into my head. They go, It's so hard to say good-bye to yesterday it's by Boys II Men. A second after that I got this feeling in my stomach and I instantly thought about Andres...I would later come to find out why. I leave, come home, my stepfather is out on the porch drinking with a friend. I was inside watching TV. Then I get online, and I see I have two e-mails, one is from Krissy and the other is from Andres. I click on the one from Andres first, and I was reading it. And for the first time in sometime, I felt tears come down, as I read.
The rug was slipped out from under me, for real this time. I couldn't help but cry, that e-mail was telling me it was time, that it was finally time, and I couldn't breath. I've re-read it about three times since I've gotten it.
It was his good-bye to me. His goodbye...
I know Adrien, will never see this, but I still need to post this, this is me pouring my heart out. You can say that this is my response, my goodbye to you.
I've been and I still am , to a large extent, a loner. Though I do have friends, and a few close ones that know me, I've been miserable, sad, for a large part of my life. I like to help others, to make them happy, to make them smile. And though some have tried to do the same for me, they've found it difficult to do so. Mostly, because not many understand me.
That was until I met you, Andres. You are one of the few, if not the only, person who truly understands me. Who can read me, who knows. I dont know if I would have still stayed as I am without you. And I mean trying to help others. Though everything we've shared has been to great surprise to both of us, you are and will always be important and special to me.
Even though we will never speak again, and you will probably never see this, I have to say that I love you. I love you because regardless of what you've thought, you have been one of the truest and most amazing people to have ever crossed my path. Intelligent, funny, and unpredictable, you've cheered me up, you've lifted my spirits more times than you know. The conversations we've shared, are special to me and always will be. I dont care what you say, but I'll never forget you, I refuse to, you're truly one of my true friends, and nothing can change that.
Though this has been unexpected, I will accept this, because this means you will finally get to make your own life away from all of this. I know you have a bright future ahead and I'll always be cheering for you even if we're a thousand miles away. I find myself crying again, as the tears hit the keys on my laptop...I've said it before and I say it again, I love you, Adrien.
To find true friendship is one of the hardest things we can do, it is something that not everyone gets to realize. Unexpectedly in my time in Deckleswood I found two in the forms of Krissy and Adrien. Though I wont ever see one of them again, that doesnt change what he means to me, and what he'll keep meaning to me. Dont anyone let go of something so precious, so special, like that.
He'll never see this but it doesnt matter.
Adrien, thank you for understanding me when others couldnt. Thank you for the insane moments, the weird moments, and just letting me get to know you. Thank you, for allowing me to meet such an exceptional person and friend. Thank you for giving me my muse. You are my muse, you will always be my muse, after all you created one of my favorites characters to use. You helped me develop into a stronger writer. Thank you, my muse. Please dont ever think less of yourself, I still think the world of you. You deserve happiness and so much more. I hope your future is as bright as I always knew it could be. And finally, dont ever forget what you mean to me.
So to you Adrien, Andres, Damien, Lucifer, Muffy, and finally my Dear Pimp...
I love you always and forever...
How I feel right now...how I'll feel for a long time...
Una Palabra by Carlos Veralo
Si un día me faltas no seré nada
y al mismo tiempo lo seré todo
porque en tus ojos están mis alas
y está la orilla donde me ahogo,
porque en tus ojos están mis alas
y está la orilla donde me ahogo.